The future scares me. It scares me because I don’t know anything about what’s going to happen, and that’s unnerving. For the last twelve years, I’ve always known to wake up early in the morning and go downstairs to eat the breakfast that my mom makes. I knew to get dressed and brush my teeth before talking my mom’s ear off on the ride to school. I knew to complain about my classes and procrastinate on my homework. To tell my mom “school was fine” when she asks how my day was. I never knew how comforting a routine was until I was thrust out of it.
Now, I’m driving to school with my 16-year-old brother and arguing about who gets the car in the afternoon. I’m going to work and setting up a retirement fund that seems as far away as forever. I’m being asked what college I’m going to and what I want to be. College? They’re asking when I’m graduating. Graduating? They’re asking when I leave home. Leave? My parents started asking about things I need for my dorm.
I don’t know…
I don’t know?
I don’t know!
I don’t know.
Please stop the clock so that I can take a breath. I know that time doesn’t stop at will. Still, the countdown to the end is stressing me out. The end of playing with my 5-year-old brother every day and picking him up from school. The end of getting quesadillas with my mom after doctors’ appointments. The end of getting Culver’s with my friends after football games. The end of movie nights on weekends while dreading Monday. The end of the sound of my best friend’s laughter as we wipe tears from our eyes, as our smiles fade away.
Although it seems sad, it’s bittersweet at its core. I feel almost guilty for being both scared and excited. The two are so opposite, yet I’m excited to make new friends and see new things. To try new hobbies and check items on my bucket list I’ve never thought of trying, like skydiving and bungee jumping. I want to go to a carnival every year and go to New York City at least once. I want to have traveled to every continent by the time I’m 40, and I want to vlog my journey on camera. I want to make a new beginning, so I don’t have to be sad about the end.
My new beginning will have laughter, smiles, and love just like I have now. It’ll be the same happiness with new hopes that will match my new life. With an ending, there’s always a beginning. With the end of one thing comes another. So let me get all my goodbyes out of the way so I can welcome the end with a self-satisfied face.
Goodbye to making new memories with my dad, mom, and brothers. Marwan, Hidar, and Faris.
Goodbye to my two elementary friends whose memories might wisp away with age.
Goodbye to the two girls who made middle school what it was. Raina and Tahani.
Goodbye to the friends with whom I’ve spent my last four years. Audrey, Amna, Ellie, and Kylie.
Goodbye to all the girls in TCT who welcomed me back for my senior year with humor and smiles. Especially Alex, Rowan, Ella, Ellerie, Maylee, Nova, Micah, Adelaide, and Elle.
Goodbye to high school football games, film fests, homecoming, winterfests, and proms.
Goodbye to everyone who will now be known as “someone I knew from high school.”
Goodbye to this chapter of my life.
Goodbye to the past.
Goodbye.
